13 Jul Space to be Upset
Tantric relating teaches us to give another person space to be upset. Women especially have been socialized to be so codependent that we rush in and try to fix our partner’s feelings before they’ve even had a chance to feel them. It can be so distressing that our partner’s unhappy with us that we try all kinds of strategies: denial that anything is wrong, premature forgiveness, or shaming them for having feelings at all. “That shouldn’t bother you!”
In order to relate tantrically in a way that supports a soulmate relationship, you’ll need to allow your partner their space to be upset, without interference. This can be difficult especially if you’ve come from a challenging childhood and aren’t yet able to count on secure love, but practicing it will also build strength in you and your partnership. If your partner’s unsettled they have a right to their feelings. They deserve to deal with their inner experience alone and separate from you. I admit it can feel threatening.
Let me give you an example. Greg and I stopped by the Ventura County Fair on our way home from a day of sightseeing and were entering the grounds from the parking lot. Greg reports, “Something triggered me and I was instantly in a bad mood. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to be pissed off. Catherine said something like, ‘It’s a nice day. I’m glad we’re here.’ I don’t know why it did, but that bugged me. It seemed she barely knew that I was upset.
“I think I was in the Porta Potty when I came to my senses, and I said to myself, ‘What the hell am I doing? This is a nice day. I do not want to be upset.’ I pulled myself together and went back to her and I said, ‘Wow, that was really bad. I’m sorry.” She said, ‘That’s okay. I knew you’d be back.’”
This example shows how if you’re able to not take it personally and just wait a little while, the other person often gets ahold of themselves. You give them their space to return to the loving, independent person you know them to be.
Someone really wise once defined a successful relationship as one where only one person is crazy at a time. This means that occasionally you’ll have to stand up and be the “sane one” because your partner is emotional and not at their best. You rise up as a rock of support for them. If the other person’s momentarily unhinged and you know it’s not because of anything you’ve said or done, you can give them their space, trusting that they’ll come back to you later. It helps to know that another person is holding space for you to be upset, and will be there for you when you come back to yourself.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Relating: Relationship Advice to Find and Keep Sex, Love and Romance. This book is the third title in the Tantric Mastery Series. Check it out!
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