15 Sep Sex is a Conversation
Sex is a conversation, a wordless exchange. Everything between you and your partner and all things enveloping the two of you are there in the bedroom. Every aspect gets communicated: the level of your commitment, whether or not you are able to open in vulnerability and trust, your ability to hold or not hold each other’s gaze, or if you can let go and let the bodies make love instead of the minds. Sex is a conversation between lovers about what they mean to each other. Every touch, stroke, heartbeat, endearment, and sigh conveys a message.
During sex you are also communicating nonverbally about the difficulties in your relationship. Boredom, untruths, withholds, and conversations that have not been had will show up as “I’m not in the mood” or less-than-stellar lovemaking. Sometimes when making love brings you back into that state of being so close, looking into each other’s eyes, intimate and safe, it transcends those problems. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Men, it seems, often prefer to speak through the language of sex rather than through talking. Men express love through their penis, which is a beautiful thing about men. We’ve been brainwashed that this is something terrible — that men only want “one thing.” It’s quite beautiful, really, but in a sex negative culture we’re not able to see that. Men want to express love sexually. They’re looking to share it in the way that men convey love.
It’s a tantric perspective that sex and love can be the same thing. But because of our cultural programming, we’re not able to see that this is the way men are driven to love and connection. Neither men or women have been taught this. Men want to share themselves. They want to express.
What if we interpreted when men want a sexual connection that it’s the hungriness of men to connect, instead of, oh, he just wants sex? What if connection through sex is beautiful, and it’s not a negative thing? A man wanting to have sex is often a bid for intimacy and love.
This is not meant to imply that if you just have sex it will take care of all your problems. Sometimes when the conversation seems to be going nowhere, you can open yourself to the possibility that a beautiful conversation about our relationship can be had while we’re making love.
Sex is a language we have that isn’t verbal. It’s a communication, a way to express love and to work out problems. It’s a way to reconnect without having to do all this psychologizing. Much of the time, it’s much more effective.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Mating: Using Tantric Secrets to Create a Relationship Full of Sex, Love and Romance. Tantric Mating is a companion to her previous book Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process named by BookAuthority as one of the Best Dating Books of All Time.
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