11 Aug Safety is the Root of Everything
All extraordinary relationships and phenomenal sex are based on a foundation of safety. In tantra we say that this stems from the root or base chakra, down there close to your tail bone. This safety is the root of the tree of our relationship with others and the world. There are three areas to consider: your own safety, your partner’s, and the safety of the relationship.
First off, when considering your own safety, do you feel safe in the world? If our childhood was not a safe place, we may grow up feeling insecure. If we experienced sexual molestation or assault, more likely that not we won’t find sex to be safe. We may have been taught to not trust men or women or gender-fluid people. To heal these issues, revisiting them in psychotherapy may loosen them up.
We may not feel safe if we are not in the best physical health, or because we fear aging and losing our attractiveness. (We don’t lose our attractiveness with age unless we believe we do, but that’s for later.)
Another facet of considering our own safety is, am I safe for other people? Is another person safe with me? Can they be sure I will not be dissing them behind their back? Am I the kind of person who is there when needed, or am I a fair weather friend? Can my partner trust me to speak my truth? Am I hiding something that if my partner found out, they would be hurt?
Secondly, we want to consider if my partner, or the person I am considering for a partner, is a safe person. This may take some time to deduce. Certainly we want to make sure they are not physically or sexually abusive, but also not emotionally unkind, meaning you can trust that they will not make fun of you, deride or shame you, or take things the wrong way.
Building a safe relationship means that when together, we are safe to be our true selves. It means when we are ready for intimacy, we have created a safe space free from interruption. It means making agreements so that we know what to expect, and that we are on the same page.
New lovers need to take time to learn to feel safe with each other. However, even couples who have been together for 25 years may find that they don’t trust each other right now. Trust and safety are works in progress, and their maintenance is ongoing.
In a previous relationship I didn’t feel safe with my partner because I suspected he was flirting with other women over text and social media. Because of that, I decided early on in my relationship with Greg that I didn’t want that for us. I let him know that there was nothing I had to hide, there would be no one I would be flirting with, and that he had full access to my phone or email if he wanted to check. I also decided to always report to him whenever some poor guy doesn’t realize I’m married and flirts with me. I don’t have to do this, but I want Greg to feel absolutely safe and secure. Greg has never asked to see my phone or email — he doesn’t have to, and I don’t have to look at his either. This is just one of our practices that has established complete safety with each other.
Safety is needed to be able to fully relax in one another’s presence. Relaxation is the key for intimacy and great sex.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Mating: Using Tantric Secrets to Create a Relationship Full of Sex, Love and Romance. Tantric Mating is a companion to her previous book Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process named by BookAuthority as one of the Best Dating Books of All Time.
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