23 Feb Agreements to Talk about Everything
Making an agreement to talk about everything creates a safe ambiance, strengthening the climate of trust in your relationship so that you won’t ever have to worry that your partner is keeping something from you. To agree to talk about everything means you know you can speak your mind and the other person isn’t going to freak out, accuse you of misdeeds, or call you names.
In previous relationships, there were probably many things you couldn’t talk about. For example, you didn’t know for certain how your partner was feeling but it felt risky to ask, or they would just answer “fine” when you knew they weren’t. You had a gut feeling they weren’t happy, but they wouldn’t talk about it so you weren’t sure. You suspected they were flirting with other people on social media; perhaps it turned out to be true. But you weren’t able to bring these things up, because it seemed better to keep from rocking the boat.
In a relationship where an agreement has been made to talk about everything, you would already have permission to ask, “Hey, how are you feeling?” or “Are you less happy with our relationship than you used to be? How would you like us to change?” And your partner would feel free to answer, “Yes, I’d like more physical affection. Seems like we used to have that more, and I miss it.” Whatever the truth might be, you can talk about it. The issues are out in the open and don’t have to be hidden, hitting you unsuspectingly when they come to light.
I saw a patient the other day who was trying to express what he wanted to do on vacation, and his partner called him a snob for his desire to spend the night at an expensive resort. Being put down like that obviously doesn’t help the conversation move forward. This name-calling made it unsafe for him to bring up his wants and desires for fear of being ridiculed.
Having an agreement to talk about everything also means situations may get difficult sometimes. In tantra, since the entire world is held as sacred, every emotion would be sacred too. There is nothing that would not be, so we would welcome difficult feelings, arguments, misunderstandings – all are part of our personal and spiritual growth. Living with an agreement to talk about everything will be worth any challenges because of the great freedom it creates, the freedom to bring your full self to the relationship so you can be truly loved as you are.
Thus one of the foundational steps in tantric relating is to have a conversation with your partner about whether or not you want to make such an agreement. How much truth do you want to share? How much freedom do you and your partner want to live in? Are you willing to hear their truth? Make your version of the agreement together — even daring to have the discussion will advance your relationship to new depth.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Relating: Relationship Advice to Find and Keep Sex, Love and Romance. This book is the third title in the Tantric Mastery Series. Check it out!
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.