Praise, Thanks, and Flirting

22 Jun Praise, Thanks, and Flirting

Who in the world has ever said, “Please stop saying nice things about me. I’ve had enough”? No one. Who doesn’t like to receive praise? In relationships, partners have often gotten into a habit of pointing out what’s “wrong” with the other person: what we don’t like and how they’re not living up to our expectations, often communicated in a subtly disguised “just being helpful.”

John and Julie Gottman, the psychologists who hook people up to electrodes and measure what actually works, found that in relationships between happy couples, the individuals are saying nice things to each other five times to the one time they have some sort of criticism. Every time you say, “Could you please clean up a bit more after yourself in the kitchen?” there will need to be five incidents of praise. Five to one!

This is a math equation few of us make use of, but it’s something that can begin improving your relationship(s) immediately. Consciously remembering to make positive statements raises everyone’s mood. Here are three action steps to get started on right away, and best of all – they’re fun!

Praise

When you’re busy looking for things to praise about your partner, it’s easy once you get going. You can praise their appearance: “You look hot in those pants.” You can admire how they handle things, “The way you talked with Charlie was so powerful. I was proud of you.” There are their achievements at work, that they stay fit, and their kindness with people. There’s the all-purpose “I love you; you’re awesome.” How many more can you come up with?

Thanks

Thanks and showing appreciation makes people feel good, both the one giving the thanks and the one receiving. Certainly in the outside world we hear that we don’t make much of a difference. To come home to a warm nest where our partner is praising and thanking us is part of creating a soulmate relationship.

You can thank your partner for being in your life, for showing up and being a good person. “Thank you for taking the garbage out. I really appreciate it.” “Thanks for taking care of our family.” Greg and I thank each other for our morning exercise: “Thanks for taking that walk with me.” We even thank each other after we have sex: “Thank you. That was so beautiful.” How often do you express your gratitude?

Flirting

You may have had effective flirting skills when you were dating, but like most people, have forgotten to exercise them after you’ve been with someone for a while. Maybe you think it’s not so easy to flirt when you’ve been hanging out together on the couch in your joggers, exchanged morning breath, and had a few spats. That’s conventional thinking, and prone to make you blame your partner for why you’re not making love any more.

If you want sex in your relationship, you’ll want to remember to acknowledge your partner’s sexiness. The best definition I’ve heard of flirting is that it’s letting the other person know you see their sex appeal, especially if you’re not going to act on it. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have sex now or later. It could — it’s always fun to have the possibility hanging in the air. You make an acknowledgment of the other person’s attractiveness in some cute way, a fun way, or even just through your energy.

If you’re not going to praise, thank and flirt with your partner, who is? Answer: someone else, or no one. If your partner is going to get enough love in this lifetime, don’t you want to be the one to provide it for them? You want them to be really, really happy and to feel that they’re in their dream relationship. These small, easy-to-do actions go a very long way.

© 2022 Catherine Auman

This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Relating: Relationship Advice to Find and Keep Sex, Love and Romance. This book is the third title in the Tantric Mastery Series. Check it out!

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