12 Jan On Fire for Enlightenment
Throughout my 20s I was on fire for enlightenment. I was convinced it took much effort and strain, and that it required many actions I was not going to be able to take: meditate hours a day, isolate, forfeit love and sex, give up being a woman. All I wanted to do was explore spiritual and personal growth paths and figure out the key. I was stressed to the max that I would run out of time.
One day a bodyworker said to me, “What’s the rush? You’re creating anxiety in yourself.” I received his viewpoint with great respect, but I was confused – what was the point to life then if it wasn’t to struggle for this pinnacle of achievement?
Then there were the years I thought you could become enlightened through extreme radical diets. I voraciously read books by Ann Wigmore on wheatgrass and Viktoras Kulvinskas about raw foods and fasting. I thought this was the “spiritual” way to eat, and that if you kept purifying, eventually your energy would become immaculate and therefore enlightened. I spent two weeks at the wheatgrass institute in San Diego. One of the other residents told me that his purpose for being there and fasting, cleansing, and drinking wheatgrass was that he would become enlightened that way. Hearing my plan come out of his mouth made me realize how insane I had become around it. All that pursuit did for me was exacerbate a latent eating disorder.
I was even a sannyasin then! I remember hearing someone ask Osho if it was possible to live without food as a Breatharian (my goal), and he answered something like, “Yes, it’s possible, but why would you? You’re still going to die.” I can’t find the quote now, but hearing it then exposed my underlying motivation.
Looking back I can also see a subtle ego that I thought enlightenment was a state that would make me superior to everyone else. Of course, I didn’t view it that way at the time, but now I see that this would make me one of the elite. And also, of course, I wouldn’t die.
I met people in India who radiated light, and that might be enlightenment. I’ve met people here in the States who appear more alive than the rest of us. Maybe they just drank a lot of coffee that day, who knows? I don’t think enlightenment is something that comes from the part of the brain that creates goals. Instead, life seems to be about completely relaxing into the present moment, perhaps becoming a little more loving, more aware, less judgmental. Personally, if I can make progress in this, it will be enough.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This article was previously published in the Viha Connection Magazine
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.