06 Aug The Self Esteem Issue
Many people conceptualize that their problem is “low self-esteem.” Their belief is that when they start feeling better about themselves, they will act to improve their lives. Often the student therapists I teach agree and want to design therapy to address this. To me, they have all got it backwards.
Back in the 90s, schools across the US started programs to boost self-esteem. They were influenced by California’s Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility. Children were taught self-affirmative jingles and songs. Contests were held in which everyone received a trophy although no one actually won. Methods were invented by well-meaning people who believed that by encouraging self-esteem, they were giving kids a better chance at success.
Nowadays, the school self-esteem movement is widely considered to have been an enormous failure. On an international test, American kids were at the top of the charts in believing they are good in math, yet they ranked low on math skills. A generation or two of students were evaluated as entitled and under-performing. Research published in 2004 found that, against expectation, higher self-esteem was not correlated with better learning or behavior.
We need to look a little deeper into this question of self-esteem. Self-esteem needs to be earned by living in a way that is estimable, or, as the 12-Step slogan goes, by performing estimable acts. If someone’s actions are not worthy of esteem, it is good that they feel unhappy with themselves and their actions. As an example, we could agree that a criminal ripping off the monthly checks of the elderly does not deserve high self-esteem, no matter how many jingles he repeats.
Most of us have an internal compass that tells us whether we are living right or not. When we are not, our self-esteem goes down as an indicator that we are off track. If, instead of paying attention to this we attempt to overlook it by self-esteem exercises or reciting affirmations, we miss the opportunity to grow. Instead, we ought to take a painful look at how we need to change to be worthy of high self-regard.
If we are contributing through our work, if we share loving relationships, if we are not holding ourselves out to be better than others, if we act as stewards for planet earth; we are worthy of good self-esteem and we will feel it. Children can be taught that they can earn self-worth rather than merely expect it. For it is our actions that matter in the long run, not our beliefs about ourselves.
© 2014 Catherine Auman This article is an excerpt from Catherine’s book Shortcuts to Mindfulness: 100 Ways to Personal and Spiritual Growth
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