04 Aug Friendship is Required for Tantric Sex
Word on the street is that “the friend zone” is the dead end of romantic possibility and certainly not where you’ll find great sex. That may be true if what you’re seeking is a wild weekend with a fantasy figure which often includes, if you’ve bought into conventional daydreams, the delicious pain of being rejected afterwards. If this type of rainbow beginning ever does “work out,” you will always be wondering if your partner really loves you – it’s a relationship based on appearances, and deep trust has not been established.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist in Seattle and big kahuna relationship guru, has been conducting research in his “Love Lab” for decades on what makes relationships work. He observed and measured couples with the aid of electrodes as they got along, argued, had fun. His wife, Dr. Judy Gottman, a practicing psychotherapist, put his research results into action with her clients, and together they have developed trainings for therapists and written bestselling books.
One of the most jaw-dropping findings of the Gottmans is that 69% of people in successful partnerships rate the friendship as the most important element. When I first heard this I was stunned. I had been brainwashed to believe that men would rate sex as by far the most important thing, but the majority do not.
If friendship is the most important component of a successful relationship, why have we not been emphasizing it? Encouraging it? Helping people enhance it? Why are singles being told to avoid being In the Friend Zone at all costs? Someone who is our best friend is exactly who we should be looking for, and what we should be growing in our partnerships.
If you want to be really relaxed in bed, if you want to feel free to be creative, if you want to know you will not be shamed, that your good qualities will be appreciated and your not-so overlooked, if you want to snuggle and hug and not be judged on your performance, and to know with absolute certainty that your lover will not leave you if you gain five pounds, you’ll need to cultivate the quality of best-friendship with your lover.
To relax enough into the mystery for tantric sex to occur, you’ll need to build total trust. You both need to know that anything that happens will be okay, that you are not being judged but rather honored and held, and that anything that comes up is welcome.
This applies if you are single as well. You can be friends and friendly with a one-night-stand, a short-term relationship or a long one. That quality of friendliness comes from you. You care about sharing, honoring, and having fun. Not some heavy-breathing, pain-filled horror show of people using one other to enhance their egos.
Osho, the great Tantra Master, said, “Friendship is higher than love.” In the year that I lived at the tantra ashram, friendship always came first. Friendship doesn’t diminish sexuality; it enhances sexuality. Many people say they don’t agree, but when I ask them, “Have you ever had really intimate sex?” they invariably answer that, no, they have not. For soul-stirring, heart-centered, really-intimate tantric sex, friendship is a prerequisite.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Mating: Using Tantric Secrets to Create a Relationship Full of Sex, Love and Romance. Tantric Mating is a companion to her previous book Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process named by BookAuthority as one of the Best Dating Books of All Time.
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