01 Jun Clearing the Past
Many couples’ relationships are trapped in layers of resentment. The lovers are still unfinished or mad about things that happened a year ago, five years ago, maybe even twenty depending on the length of the relationship. When a couple has gotten into trouble or is not making love any more, there’s usually much excavating of the past that needs to be done in order to thrive together in the present moment.
Spiritual traditions have a long history of methods for an individual to clear their past. For example, in Toltec shamanism, there’s a process in which you list every incident that has happened in your life and then clear and clean it. Twelve-Step programs include the Fourth Step where you make a list of everyone you’ve felt resentment toward in your life, you take responsibility for your part in the upset, and then release it by sharing with a trusted advisor. In another tradition, the process is called Clearing, where you go back to everything in the past that still has “charge” on it. The results of this Clearing process are actually read on a meter to measure whether or not your issue is complete. Psychotherapy attempts to clear traumatic incidents in the past that are still causing distress.
What does this mean that you clear the past until you don’t “have charge on it” anymore? It means: If your body is still responding to the memory of the event, you are not done. Do you still cry, does your breath stop, do feelings come up into your heart or make you feel sick to your stomach? These are all indications that the issue’s not been cleared. In your work on yourself as an individual, you process these memories until there’s no more upset about anything from your past. Anything that’s not clear, anything you’re still afraid or ashamed of, anything that you’ve still not forgiven yourself for or feel sad about will show up not only in not having the best life possible, but also as challenges In your relationships.
For couples this means going back and clearing all memories of upset, which can be a lengthy process. Every incident from the past that hasn’t been cleared is going to show up as difficulty in the present moment. If there are still resentments, it’s going to show up in the bedroom.
It’s an archaeological excavation, rooting these things out, talking them through until neither of you is upset about them anymore. You may benefit from the assistance of a therapist or coach.
Even doing a little bit of this work will help. It’s possible, however, to actually get completely cleared of the past, and if you stick with the process for that long, a metaphysical shift happens. A clarity, a freshness, an in-rush of energy takes the place of all that had been previously muddying the water. It’s a phenomenal thing. It’s within reach for you as a couple to bring this to completion. Then as you continue to clear on a daily basis, nothing piles up anymore. To be in that clear of a space with your beloved is worth all the effort it took to get there.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Relating: Relationship Advice to Find and Keep Sex, Love and Romance. This book is the third title in the Tantric Mastery Series. Check it out!
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