19 May Really, Until It’s Done
You’ve made agreements to talk about things when they happen, or at least as soon as possible. You know that by letting misunderstandings fester, you run the risk of them mutating into something else altogether. You see the benefit of talking about each issue until it’s done, until neither of you feels an iota of resentment. That means discussing until it’s done, really, which sometimes may take a while.
Early on, Greg and I had an experience where something triggered one of us, and I realized I still had unfinished business from a year ago. I felt a little defensive bringing up an issue after so much time had passed, but since we have an agreement to talk about everything until it’s done, that’s what we did. It took several conversations for both of us to feel entirely clear, and when it was really done, it was like the sun peeking out from the clouds after morning gloom.
In this example, if you had asked us, we would have both said the incident was done, but when I looked deeply, I could see that I still had some charge that needed to be cleared. If it’s not done for one person, it’s not done for both of you. You can’t be at the same frequency if one of you is holding onto something, no matter how miniscule or far in the past.
You might find that you and/or your partner are quick to want to declare something resolved, because it’s uncomfortable not being done and you want to move on. That’s understandable. This is also referred to as “sweeping things under the carpet” or “don’t rock the boat.” If and when you prematurely announce something complete, there remains a barely perceptible sensation that something’s not quite right, which shows up as feeling distant from your partner. It decreases your desire for intimacy.
Sometimes you have to remind your partner, “Remember how we have an agreement to talk about everything until it’s done? I want to bring up something. Is this a good time?” It’s not always going to be pretty. Neither of you might want to get into a debate or be in the mood to dredge up old painful memories, You might find it triggering. Your partner might respond, “Really? Do you have to bring this up now? Aren’t you done with that yet?” By focusing on the outcome –the energy clear and flowing freely between you – you become willing to do the work in order to make things better. The agreement is that you will continue until each person is done. Really done.
To make sure you’re really done, another thing you can do to make space for the other person is to ask them, “What else? Are you sure, is there anything more? It feels like you’re not quite done.” You open yourself to receive your partner’s truth, even if it stings.
How will you know when something’s finished? Because you’re making love beautifully. There’s no sniping. You’re both free to talk about whatever; you’re having fun. That’s how you know the communication’s clear. If it’s not, something’s clogging the pipes, and it’s up to you to unblock the line.
© 2022 Catherine Auman
This is an excerpt from Catherine Auman’s book, Tantric Relating: Relationship Advice to Find and Keep Sex, Love and Romance. This book is the third title in the Tantric Mastery Series. Check it out!
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