Catherine Auman, MFT

Which would you rather hear: a list of your faults, or what someone thinks are the best things about you?
Seems obvious, right?  Not necessarily so. When we sit down with our partner to talk about our relationship, what we think is wrong with them is often where we go first. The words, “We have to talk” can strike terror into our hearts because we know we’re going to hear a list of our faults and shortcomings. We know we’ve got lots of them, and we’re our own worst critics.  Every day we hear from advertisers, magazines, parents, bosses, and sometimes our lovers all the ways we fall short.
Feeling unappreciated is one of the main reasons people give for why they leave jobs and relationships.  That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear what someone else appreciates about us. How nice is it to think of an oasis where someone is noticing what we do right.
The number one thing you can do today to improve your relationships is to tell someone what you appreciate about them. Not just a compliment like “you look nice today” although under the right circumstances that’s always good. The trick is to use the word “appreciate” because that’s what people are starving for, being appreciated. It is actually better if you notice a small thing because it is unexpected, and the person gets to feel like you are noticing and approving of them.
Simple examples might be, “I appreciate that you take out the garbage before you’re asked.”  “I appreciate that you took our son to the ball game.” “I appreciate that you take time for yourself which allows me to do the same.”

Mark and Diane were seeing me for marriage counseling because they were fighting and criticizing each other bitterly.  I asked Mark to change gears and tell his wife something he appreciated about her.  Diane waited nervously while Mark struggled to identify something as this was a new way for him to think. When he finally said, “I appreciate that you dress so well for work,” she broke out into a huge smile that looked like he had given her a dozen roses. She hadn’t known Mark was even paying attention.
Give it a try. Let your significant other off the hook and tell him or her a small thing you appreciate. Call your mother and give her “an appreciation.” Let your employee know that you appreciate that she is always on time. Everyone can use a dose. Give someone the gift of appreciation today and watch your relationships blossom.

© 2008 Catherine Auman