Catherine Auman, MFT » sexuality

another scene from Catherine’s novel ‘blissbody’

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:16:03 +0000

Laurel sighed. Another perfect moment in paradise. The sun blazed behind the big blue umbrella as she lunched on a pasta dense with garlic, sautéed zucchini, and garbanzo beans. Geno’s tray, on the other hand, was piled high with naked raw food: at least six tomatoes, two whole cucumbers, sliced; slender stalks of celery, a mixed green salad with sprouts and jicama, pineapple chunks, and a quarter of a watermelon. Dessert, she guessed.

He looked up to see her examining his food. “Got to keep my strength up,” he said, squeezing a lime over the cukes.

Geno was one of the most handsome men she had ever laid eyes on, even here at the ashram, where she was becoming rather immune to the whole issue. He stood at well over six feet with a body that spoke to years in the gym, and his hazel eyes and tanned skin glowed with vitality and health.

Early in the group, he had informed everyone that he had a partner back in Italy and was therefore off limits, although he was available to do exercises with. Many women had shared a ping of disappointment. This morning, Laurel and Geno had chosen to do the sensual massage assignment together. When it was her turn to be the giver, she had watched in amazement as he didn’t even flinch when she neared the vicinity where most men take notice. His touch on her was rough and insensitive, not at all in tune with her response or lack of it, sleepy and unaware. He got somewhat excused for this by his otherworldly good looks, but not completely.

She hadn’t told him how unsatisfying it had been. In true good girl fashion she had told him it had been “nice.” Someone taught her once that “nice” stands for “Nothing In me Cares Enough about you (to tell you the truth),” and she supposed that was true. It was not an unpleasant diversion, however, to sit at his table and gaze at that face. And that body.

“What’s your girlfriend in Italy like?” she asked.

“She is a great and famous teacher of tantra,” he said. “Right now she is giving a seminar in Tuscany.”

“Oh,” she said, thinking back to his touch devoid of sensuality. “You must be learning a lot about tantra from her?”

“Oh yes,” he said. “She’s an amazing woman.”

“Then why are you here, studying tantra several thousand miles away from her?”

“She says I need to learn more about being on my own, and she is right. I want to lose my tendency of codependency.”

That buzz word, I hate it, Laurel thought. “What exactly does that mean anyway? It seems to me it’s a way to put down people who value being in a relationship over being alone.”

“Here, I hope to deepen my aloneness,” he said, “and then take it back to be with her. In a more authentic way.” He moved the tray with its mound of peelings and rinds to the other side of the table, and poised his spoon over the melon.

“A relationship is like climbing a great mountain,” he continued. “It is a journey that is difficult and long and takes much preparation, much training. It is the only thing in life that is of value.” He dipped his spoon into the watery red fruit and took a bite. “I don’t understand these men who come here just to sleep with any woman. It shocks me; I don’t understand it. It has no……,” he scratched his head. “Ah, my English is so bad. What is the word?” His eyes turned up into the back of his skull, searching his memory banks for an Italiano-Inglese dictionary.

“Rispettare….no?…No!” Laurel shook her head. She certainly had no idea.

“Decoro….stima….Ah, ah, I must know.” He was frantically looking around the crowded lunch area, for what she couldn’t fathom. “Ah!” and he sped off over in the direction of the fountain.

Suddenly Laurel found herself sitting alone, not really understanding what had happened. She shrugged it off to just another strange ashram occurrence. First she was having lunch with a gorgeous Italian raw foodist, and abruptly she wasn’t. She reached over and took a dripping bite of his watermelon, then replaced the spoon.

Geno finally reappeared holding a tattered book in his left hand. He leafed through the pages, shaking his head and muttering.
“Ah hah!” he trumpeted. “Nobility! That’s the word. Nobility. It has no nobility. That’s it. To sleep with so many women has no nobility.” He got up and left the table to return the book.

PET THERAPY

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Wed, 20 May 2009 01:33:43 +0000

Witches have black cats. Dogs are “man’s best friend.” Hamsters and gerbils are cute as they can be, and some people even like snakes.

I picked Frankie the cat up from the pound last week and carried her to her new home. She immediately ran for cover under the bed and wouldn’t come out for 24 hours. When she began tentatively venturing out she would run back whenever she got spooked, often just because someone was walking by, leading to the conclusion she may have been previously abused. A couple of times now she has let me stroke her and scratch her head and then I get my reward: the magic motor of her purring starts and doesn’t stop, that is, until she runs back under the bed again. Thank god she came knowing how to use the cat box.

I just found out on the Internet that back in the Middle Ages during the holocaust of women and gays they designated ‘witches,’ they also perpetrated a huge massacre of cats. The Church was afraid of these ‘familiars’ of the so-called witches because it was believed that cats had psychic powers and could help perform spells. There was even a dog that was tried and hanged as a witch in the Salem witch trials. When you look deeply into Frankie’s mysterious blue eyes, you can almost believe they were right – she knows something we don’t.

Pets seem to have been put into our lives for one purpose and one purpose only: to love and be loved. There’s plenty of well-documented research that being around animals reduces people’s stress levels, lowers blood pressure and even helps us live longer. Animal assisted therapy has been used with at-risk teenagers, folks in nursing homes, AIDS patients, and heart attack victims. I got a call recently from a prospective patient who wanted to know if I had a “therapy dog,” which was the first time I’d heard the term (and no, I don’t, although I’m thinking about training Frankie). On a brochure for an expensive recovery center I got in the mail they list “equine therapy” as a treatment modality which really means, it makes people feel better to ride a horse.

I guess the gist of this is that lonely people everywhere could benefit from owning a pet. There’s something about that unconditional love that’s harder to get from flawed human beings. Also, here in LA, it’s a way that people shop for lovers – going to the dog park to meet other dog owners. It’s easy to talk to someone with a dog, right? No ulterior motive other than just being friendly. Guess we’ll need to get them to set up cat and gerbil parks for everyone else.

THE #1 THING YOU CAN DO TODAY TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:01:38 +0000

Which would you rather hear: a list of your faults, or what someone thinks are the best things about you?
Seems obvious, right? Not necessarily so. When we sit down with our partner to talk about our relationship, what we think is wrong with them is often where we go first. The words, “We have to talk” can strike terror into our hearts because we know we’re going to hear a list of our faults and shortcomings. We know we’ve got lots of them, and we’re our own worst critics. Every day we hear from advertisers, magazines, parents, bosses, and sometimes our lovers all the ways we fall short.
Feeling unappreciated is one of the main reasons people give for why they leave jobs and relationships. That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear what someone else appreciates about us. How nice is it to think of an oasis where someone is noticing what we do right.
The number one thing you can do today to improve your relationships is to tell someone what you appreciate about them. Not just a compliment like “you look nice today” although under the right circumstances that’s always good. The trick is to use the word “appreciate” because that’s what people are starving for, being appreciated. It is actually better if you notice a small thing because it is unexpected, and the person gets to feel like you are noticing and approving of them.
Simple examples might be, “I appreciate that you take out the garbage before you’re asked.” “I appreciate that you took our son to the ball game.” “I appreciate that you take time for yourself which allows me to do the same.”

Mark and Diane were seeing me for marriage counseling because they were fighting and criticizing each other bitterly. I asked Mark to change gears and tell his wife something he appreciated about her. Diane waited nervously while Mark struggled to identify something as this was a new way for him to think. When he finally said, “I appreciate that you dress so well for work,” she broke out into a huge smile that looked like he had given her a dozen roses. She hadn’t known Mark was even paying attention.
Give it a try. Let your significant other off the hook and tell him or her a small thing you appreciate. Call your mother and give her “an appreciation.” Let your employee know that you appreciate that she is always on time. Everyone can use a dose. Give someone the gift of appreciation today and watch your relationships blossom.

What’s the Difference Between Sensuality and Sexuality?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:36:00 +0000

Everybody knows what’s sexy, right? We see images all the time of good looking men and women, smoking physiques, and enticing faces. People magazine tells us every year who is The Sexiest Man Alive! and men’s magazines are full of images of alluring women. There is one standard of beauty offered, and a real human being’s sexiness quotient is measured by how closely they measure up to the media’s promotion of who and what are sexy.
In our culture, attraction has become an entirely visual experience. Instead of eroticizing the whole body, we make love only with our eyes. Our relationship to our own bodies has become one of working on them at the gym in order to be visually attractive to potential lovers to the exclusion of anything else.

But the visual is only one of our five senses, and by telling us that the visual is what’s sexy, we learn to have a skewed emphasis on physical image. We come to pay less attention to the other four senses and the art of sensuality is being lost. When we talk about the sensual, we are talking about the seductive qualities of the sounds of our lover’s voice and the sighs of lovemaking, our partner’s particular scent, the taste of their sweat, and the touch of their skin.

Sensual sex is about two people connecting through all five senses. We are meant to make love not only with our eyes, but also with our nose, our ears, our mouth, and our hands. We can learn to enjoy the touch, scent, sound, and taste of sex, instead of only the sight. Many of the exercises practiced in the art of tantra are conducted blindfolded so as to short-circuit the eyes and have the practitioner focus instead on the other senses.

There is a famous story of Napoleon writing home to his wife, Josephine, “I’ll be home in three days. Don’t bathe.” To men of earlier generation, the natural scent of a woman was an intoxicating aphrodisiac that drove them wild with desire.

Sensual means that you appreciate your partner in their entirety, experiencing their desirability just the way they are. Rather than focusing on what, in your opinion, is not like a magazine cover, close your eyes and feel, listen, smell, and touch the incredible and unique sexiness of this particular lover who is gracing you with their intimacy and vulnerability. Every person wants to be loved in their totality, not just as a collection of body parts.

HOW CAN YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOU’RE ALL STRESSED OUT?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:42:00 +0000

Sure, I know, there’s work, and working out, and eating right, and the economy, and relationship struggles, and, and, and, … and then if you have kids, there’s even more. What a balancing act! Sometimes it’s a wonder we have any energy left for sex at all. To make sure it doesn’t get that way for you, learn to become better at managing your stress. Here are some tips:

1. Turn off your phone. The likelihood that there’s going to be an emergency in the next hour is miniscule. If you can’t hear it ringing, you’ll be less likely to get involved in something that this is not the right time for.

2. Cut down the amount of caffeine in your life. If you’re really brave, do away with it all together.

3. Relaxed breathing is full and deep. Stressed out breathing is short and shallow. Practice slowing your breathing and letting it fall all the way below your belly button, down to your genitals. There, doesn’t that feel good? If smokers get to take smoke breaks, the rest of us are due “breathing breaks.”

4. Use the Rule of Fifteen: Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less irritating, and you’ll get a good start to your day. Allow fifteen minutes of extra time to get to appointments. You’ll feel in control and everyone else will be impressed with your efficiency.

5. Don’t try to rely on your memory. Get a planner and write everything down. This will help you get organized, always a good prevention method for fighting stress.

6. Eliminate destructive self-talk such as “I’m too fat…” or “I’m too old…” Either argue with these nonsensical thoughts or get help from a therapist to eradicate them from your life. No one ever improved from being criticized to death.

7. Allow time everyday for yourself, for privacy, quiet, and introspection. If the only time for this is in the car, take full advantage of it. Even if it’s only five minutes, if it’s full and present and in the moment, your life will be enriched.

8. Stretch periodically during the day. When you’re at your job, especially if you sit for long periods of time, get up and walk once an hour. Stretch out your neck, your shoulders, and feel how good it is to be in your body.

9. Talk it out. Discussing your situation with a trusted friend or with your lover can help clear your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on real problem solving.

10. Learn to live one day at a time. If you live fully in the present moment, you’ll find there’s very little that needs to be changed.

ENVISIONING YOUR LOVER AS THE GOD OR GODDESS THEY TRULY ARE

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:32:00 +0000

One tantric exercise you can practice at home is to envision your lover as the god or goddess they truly are. That may seem a bit farfetched in today’s world, as modern lovers are well too aware of what is “wrong” with their partner. Constantly bombarded with images of what the perfect lover looks like, talks like, kisses like, and makes love like, we compare and analyze and find our partners not measuring up. Since it is hard for a mere human being to live up to these two-dimensional fantasy figures, most of us experience our lovers (and ourselves) as lacking in the love department.

But what if we didn’t focus on what we thought was wrong, but on what is right? What if we imagined the real person underneath their skin and their annoying habits? What if we pictured our beloved as their essential nature and allowed our self to honor their lovingness, their vulnerability, and their attempts at becoming a better person?

When we imagine our partner as whole and perfect instead of fragmented and flawed, it becomes impossible to abuse, degrade, or dehumanize the other person. If they are by definition an equal, we cannot cultivate a condescending, contemptuous attitude. On the contrary, we view them with the gaze of a deity which is one of tenderness, clarity, and passion. Seeing our self as whole and perfect, our partner becomes a mirror of that perfection.

Ancient Tantric Buddhists practiced seeing the man as a male Buddha and the woman as a female Buddha, and therefore lovemaking became two Buddhas making love. The lovers practiced seeing each other as pure energy spontaneously expressing itself in embodied being.

Today, you can have fun with these practices. Certain tantric gods and goddesses had red or blue skin that could be fun to imagine. Some tantric texts describe the body of the lover as translucent or luminous like a rainbow. Think how delightful this could be to envision while stroking your lover’s skin!

The tantrikas saw their feelings of passion and desire as having a transcendent aspect, and their mutual attraction as ultimately motivated by a religious impulse toward ecstasy. To move in the direction of an attitude like this can help transform the negative messages most of us were brought up with concerning sex. By envisioning our beloved as divine, it is possible to increase the love in the world and to elevate our ordinary sex acts to acts of worship.

excerpt from Catherine’s novel "blissbody"

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 06:42:00 +0000

Laurel decided to take the back way home. Behind the ashram many Indians lived, first the compounds of rich families guarded by old frail Indian men sitting on folding chairs 24/7. Then came a depression of land gorged with tiny huts where the less fortunate resided. Adjacent to the settlement, she passed an enclosed shrine to Ganesh, the elephant god who brought material wealth. The miniature tin building held a garishly painted statue behind a locked screen. Devotees had spent many a rupee on strings of marigolds and burfi sweets left as offerings on the steps.

As she neared the corner to turn to her flat, an Indian man in his mid twenties stopped her. He wore a stiffly starched Western style shirt, immaculately white, and black trousers. His little mustache quivered. He came up to Laurel’s chin.

“Please, sir,” he said, addressing Laurel. Laurel wanted to scream at him that she was not a ‘sir’ but she bit her tongue. Was the only honorific in Hindi masculine?

“My wife and I,” he continued. His voice was insistent and firm, determined to get what he was after. “We are married new. Please, sir, honor us, bless our marriage.”

Behind him was a shy Indian woman, dressed in punjabi and beaded sandals, her glossy black hair gathered into a thick braid. Her eyes were downcast and she clung to her husband’s arm. Laurel wanted to laugh. Her bless a marriage? Ludicrous. What was with these people?

Then she realized that to them she was a sannyasin, a person on a spiritual quest, which in India denoted a holy person. She laughed to think of herself as holy, yeah, celibate and all. But then again, she argued with herself, she was dedicating her life to spiritual search. In the West, this may have made her an uncool person, but here it was honored as a respected life path. Maybe her spirituality was not that of a celibate monk dedicated to hours of pranayama or late nights studying the dharma. She was equally as determined as he was to see it to the end. Maybe she ought to regard her own life choices with a little more respect.

How did one bless a marriage? “All blessings for your marriage,” Laurel said. “May you live long and happily together.” She waved her arms around like she imagined a priest would. Would that do?

The man smiled at his wife who nodded. The newly married couple walked on into their life together, and Laurel walked on into her life alone.

SIX WAYS TO HELP A WOMAN GET IN THE MOOD

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:24:00 +0000

First of all, do not ask her if she wants to have sex. This question will go straight to her head, which is not where you want to be.

Second, long before you want to have sex, let her know how much you like her body. Start complimenting the day before, the week before, better yet, make it a constant thing. In this culture where advertising and magazines are constantly telling us we are not measuring up, all women are insecure about their attractiveness. You would not believe the gorgeous fashion models I have had in my office who are obsessed that they are not beautiful enough. Make your compliments real and frequent. Work at it.

Third, realize that foreplay starts hours before sex. Spend some quality time giving her your full attention. Talking, cuddling, being physically close without (yet) being sexual, these things help a woman realize she might be in the mood. Mostly, it is about listening to her feelings and thoughts. One of the most aphrodisiac things for a woman to hear is, “Tell me more about that.”

Fourth, focus on what is right with her and the relationship rather than what in your opinion is missing. If she thinks you prefer women who look or act like porn stars she will have trouble opening herself to you. If you are critical of her body, her feelings, or her habits, why should she trust you by becoming more vulnerable? You’ve heard that old saying that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right? Tell her what you like even if you need to stretch.

Fifth, you probably won’t get much action if you don’t do your fair share of the household duties. Not helping causes resentment (not a sexy emotion) and women consistently rate this as a primary reason for dissatisfaction in a relationship. If you’re not up to it, neither is she. Spring for a housekeeper and watch her receptiveness increase.

Finally, don’t wait to initiate sex until right before bed. She’ll turn you down because she’s too tired. Go to bed at least a half an hour early. If you’re not ready to fall asleep afterward, you can always get up to watch the tube or go online.

Good luck. Enjoy learning to seduce your partner. Won’t you feel masterful when she melts like butter in your hands? Not only your relationship but the whole world will benefit from your increased pleasure and contentment.

Latest installment from Catherine’s novel "blissbody"

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:35:00 +0000

They knelt in pairs on the mats, the men behind the women as per Mevlana’s instruction. Michael from Goa had asked politely and Laurel decided not to fight it. He was in back of her now, his hands resting loosely on her hips.

“All right,” Mevlana said. “Women, raise your arms and feel your longing. All the longing you have ever felt. Reach, reach for the sky.”

Laurel lifted her arms to the ceiling and felt the stretch along her ribcage and the sides of her breasts. Her head fell back and her left hand covered her right as her fingers strained upward. Longing. She felt her longing. So many things she had desired in her life: beautiful clothes, that pair of silk pants with the silver braid, that boy at summer camp, what was his name? Ice cream, and world peace, and for summer never to end.

“Really reach for it,” Mevlana coaxed. “Long with all your might.”

Laurel remembered her ambition for career success and the trappings that were supposed to come with it: a designer-decorated home, a luxury car, and tropical vacations in Fiji, or Bali, or Kuala Lumpur. She had fantasized being as rich as Oprah, and craved the opulent life that magazines extolled. Her itching for this consumerism had gradually declined as she began to realize it was all greed stoked by the marketing machine.

“Feel your longing,” Mevlana said. “Really feel your longing.”

Laurel strained harder. The air in her chest pushed down against her diaphragm and her arms elongated up, further. Her fingers spread wide toward the ceiling, grasping, reaching.

So much effort and money and work spent aspiring to be beautiful, hoping to be loved and cherished by a man. Where was he? The dream of the Perfect Beloved. Desire to be united with him. The pining to be held, to be made love to, to be made love to expertly and to surrender to the biggest orgasm ever. The coveting of other women’s boyfriends.

“Feel all the longings of your life,” Mevlana said. “Don’t hold back.”

There was the yearning to stop the search and be flooded with Love and finally feel satiated. Laurel reached even further. To understand what was really going on. Why life had to hurt so badly. Why it never worked out the way you hoped. To know the secrets of death, and life, for that matter. A passion to get to the place they call Enlightenment, and to understand what the heck it is we are all doing here. How she hungered to know the Truth.

Laurel tensed, exhaling the air out of her lungs, hard. She lengthened her arms above her head, further, farther. Up as high as they would go.

There was a rustling on the dais and for the first time, Laurel became aware of the soft raga Bashir had chosen as the music. Mevlana stood and called out an instruction. “This is to the men. Rise up behind your partner and let her feel your support. Unmistakably, let her know the full degree of how much you encourage her in her longing. Hold her and incite her to go even further in her pursuit so that she knows that this time, she does not endeavor alone.”

Laurel felt Michael’s body rise up behind her, felt his warmth against the curve of her back. His hands slid up, grasped her forearms from behind and urged them up a little further. Laurel gasped. The effort was intense. This is what it felt like for longing to be okay and not secretive and humiliating. It had never occurred to her to ask that her appetites be supported, by girlfriends maybe, but not by men.

“Really let yourself be supported in your longing, in your passion,” Mevlana said.

With Michael holding her, Laurel let herself relax and permit his solidity to carry her. To be supported like this allowed for a modicum of trust, trust that her prayers might be answered. It was tremendously healing, Laurel realized, looking up at Mevlana with gratitude.

The yearning and stretching continued. That’s got to be enough now, she thought. Surely this exercise must be almost over. But no, it was not. The effort was beginning to wear. Michael’s got to be tired of me by now, she thought. He must be thinking what a dolt I am to be so full of lust. He must wish this would end, feel a hankering to move on. She peered around. His eyes were glistening with kindness. The shock made her disappear back into her striving.

“You’ll notice that longing is always attached to pain,” Mevlana called out, “but what to do? That’s the nature of it.”

Laurel suddenly realized that even if she never got what she hoped for, as she actually never had in the past, everything would still be all right. The longing itself was the point. It all really wasn’t about the objects of desire. That was the error, seeing the object as the point, rather than the longing itself.

“All right,” Mevlana broke in. “Take a moment to make sure you have exhausted all longing and get ready to switch places. Men will become the long-ers and the women will be the support persons.”

They switched. As Laurel put her hands on Michael’s body, she smelled his scent, and admired the definition of his arms. As the exercise proceeded, she noticed how much easier it was to support a man in his striving compared with how it had been a completely unfamiliar experience to be supported by a man in hers. She felt how sexy she considered a man to be in his longing, how noble, and honorable. It was hard to feel the same way about herself. She had experienced her own longings as pathetic, but a man’s as worthy of support. She felt now, and had always been, happy to be there for him, whoever he was.

As the late afternoon sun cast shadows across the group room floor, the exercise came to an end. All members of the group came to relax in a circle in front of the dais at Mevlana and Bashir’s feet.

“Now you know more about longing than ninety-nine percent of the world,” Mevlana said. “Use this knowing wisely. Realize that if your love has any motivation in it, it is not love. Life is fulfilled by longings, not by ambitions.

“The longing that men and women have for each other,” Mevlana continued, “you have to understand its true nature. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s really longing for God, for the Ultimate. The longing has to be completely frustrated, or we wouldn’t get on to what’s real.”

Laurel looked over at Michael and smiled. Behind him sat Ian, cuddled with the Brazilian girl, then Stefano, then Jack who sat by himself. Completely frustrated. She could truly say that she loved these men without any longing, although that may not have always been the case.

WHAT’S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:52:00 +0000

What makes one person feel loved is not always the same thing that makes another person feel loved. According to Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, Chicago: 1995) there are five basic ways a person can communicate loving feelings to someone else, and that way is often not the same as someone we love. We are essentially speaking different languages. No matter how much we may tell someone we love them, if it is not in their “love language,” they won’t feel it.

The Five Love Languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Every one likes to hear what they are doing right. Kind words, encouragement, compliments—these are perceived as signs of love especially by those with this as their primary love language. Often we focus on “constructive criticism” or pointing out what we think the other person should change which is far less effective than praise.

Quality Time
Quality time doesn’t just mean spending enough time together although that is a good start. It means time when we give our partner our undivided attention. It requires listening, not interrupting, and learning to talk about feelings.

Receiving Gifts
Gifts are a time-honored sign of love. If this is your partner’s main love language, find ways to give tokens of affection frequently. Certainly tangible gifts are nice, but don’t forget the gift of attention.

Acts of Service
This love language is often taken for granted. Help around the house, giving a backrub, cleaning up, taking the car to be washed—there are so many ways to express affection by doing service for someone else.

Physical Touch
This love language gets mixed up with sex all the time. Instead, it means expressing love by affectionately touching the body, stroking, patting, and holding hands. It means holding someone while they cry.

The idea with learning these “love languages” is that it will help tremendously if we identify which is our primary language and which is the language of our partner, then try to let our partner know they are loved in the way they are most likely to receive it. It may feel awkward at first but if we are persistent, we will see remarkable change. The more our partner feels loved, they will return the good feelings and everybody wins.

Although Dr. Chapman does not cover this in his book, we can also win by learning to express our love in all five “languages.” As we expand in our capacity for love and the ability to be loving to the world around us, we can express ourselves in all five ways and not live in a world where it has to be only our way.