Catherine Auman, MFT » relationships

another scene from Catherine’s novel ‘blissbody’

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:16:03 +0000

Laurel sighed. Another perfect moment in paradise. The sun blazed behind the big blue umbrella as she lunched on a pasta dense with garlic, sautéed zucchini, and garbanzo beans. Geno’s tray, on the other hand, was piled high with naked raw food: at least six tomatoes, two whole cucumbers, sliced; slender stalks of celery, a mixed green salad with sprouts and jicama, pineapple chunks, and a quarter of a watermelon. Dessert, she guessed.

He looked up to see her examining his food. “Got to keep my strength up,” he said, squeezing a lime over the cukes.

Geno was one of the most handsome men she had ever laid eyes on, even here at the ashram, where she was becoming rather immune to the whole issue. He stood at well over six feet with a body that spoke to years in the gym, and his hazel eyes and tanned skin glowed with vitality and health.

Early in the group, he had informed everyone that he had a partner back in Italy and was therefore off limits, although he was available to do exercises with. Many women had shared a ping of disappointment. This morning, Laurel and Geno had chosen to do the sensual massage assignment together. When it was her turn to be the giver, she had watched in amazement as he didn’t even flinch when she neared the vicinity where most men take notice. His touch on her was rough and insensitive, not at all in tune with her response or lack of it, sleepy and unaware. He got somewhat excused for this by his otherworldly good looks, but not completely.

She hadn’t told him how unsatisfying it had been. In true good girl fashion she had told him it had been “nice.” Someone taught her once that “nice” stands for “Nothing In me Cares Enough about you (to tell you the truth),” and she supposed that was true. It was not an unpleasant diversion, however, to sit at his table and gaze at that face. And that body.

“What’s your girlfriend in Italy like?” she asked.

“She is a great and famous teacher of tantra,” he said. “Right now she is giving a seminar in Tuscany.”

“Oh,” she said, thinking back to his touch devoid of sensuality. “You must be learning a lot about tantra from her?”

“Oh yes,” he said. “She’s an amazing woman.”

“Then why are you here, studying tantra several thousand miles away from her?”

“She says I need to learn more about being on my own, and she is right. I want to lose my tendency of codependency.”

That buzz word, I hate it, Laurel thought. “What exactly does that mean anyway? It seems to me it’s a way to put down people who value being in a relationship over being alone.”

“Here, I hope to deepen my aloneness,” he said, “and then take it back to be with her. In a more authentic way.” He moved the tray with its mound of peelings and rinds to the other side of the table, and poised his spoon over the melon.

“A relationship is like climbing a great mountain,” he continued. “It is a journey that is difficult and long and takes much preparation, much training. It is the only thing in life that is of value.” He dipped his spoon into the watery red fruit and took a bite. “I don’t understand these men who come here just to sleep with any woman. It shocks me; I don’t understand it. It has no……,” he scratched his head. “Ah, my English is so bad. What is the word?” His eyes turned up into the back of his skull, searching his memory banks for an Italiano-Inglese dictionary.

“Rispettare….no?…No!” Laurel shook her head. She certainly had no idea.

“Decoro….stima….Ah, ah, I must know.” He was frantically looking around the crowded lunch area, for what she couldn’t fathom. “Ah!” and he sped off over in the direction of the fountain.

Suddenly Laurel found herself sitting alone, not really understanding what had happened. She shrugged it off to just another strange ashram occurrence. First she was having lunch with a gorgeous Italian raw foodist, and abruptly she wasn’t. She reached over and took a dripping bite of his watermelon, then replaced the spoon.

Geno finally reappeared holding a tattered book in his left hand. He leafed through the pages, shaking his head and muttering.
“Ah hah!” he trumpeted. “Nobility! That’s the word. Nobility. It has no nobility. That’s it. To sleep with so many women has no nobility.” He got up and left the table to return the book.

THE #1 THING YOU CAN DO TODAY TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:01:38 +0000

Which would you rather hear: a list of your faults, or what someone thinks are the best things about you?
Seems obvious, right? Not necessarily so. When we sit down with our partner to talk about our relationship, what we think is wrong with them is often where we go first. The words, “We have to talk” can strike terror into our hearts because we know we’re going to hear a list of our faults and shortcomings. We know we’ve got lots of them, and we’re our own worst critics. Every day we hear from advertisers, magazines, parents, bosses, and sometimes our lovers all the ways we fall short.
Feeling unappreciated is one of the main reasons people give for why they leave jobs and relationships. That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear what someone else appreciates about us. How nice is it to think of an oasis where someone is noticing what we do right.
The number one thing you can do today to improve your relationships is to tell someone what you appreciate about them. Not just a compliment like “you look nice today” although under the right circumstances that’s always good. The trick is to use the word “appreciate” because that’s what people are starving for, being appreciated. It is actually better if you notice a small thing because it is unexpected, and the person gets to feel like you are noticing and approving of them.
Simple examples might be, “I appreciate that you take out the garbage before you’re asked.” “I appreciate that you took our son to the ball game.” “I appreciate that you take time for yourself which allows me to do the same.”

Mark and Diane were seeing me for marriage counseling because they were fighting and criticizing each other bitterly. I asked Mark to change gears and tell his wife something he appreciated about her. Diane waited nervously while Mark struggled to identify something as this was a new way for him to think. When he finally said, “I appreciate that you dress so well for work,” she broke out into a huge smile that looked like he had given her a dozen roses. She hadn’t known Mark was even paying attention.
Give it a try. Let your significant other off the hook and tell him or her a small thing you appreciate. Call your mother and give her “an appreciation.” Let your employee know that you appreciate that she is always on time. Everyone can use a dose. Give someone the gift of appreciation today and watch your relationships blossom.

UCLA Study On Friendship Among Women

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:19:55 +0000

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It’s a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research—most of it on men—upside down.

“Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study’s authors. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just “fight or flight.”

“In fact,” says Dr. Klein, “it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the “fight or flight” response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.

This calming response does not occur in men”, says Dr. Klein, “because testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen”, she adds, “seems to enhance it.”

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic “aha!” moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. “There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded”, says Dr. Klein.” When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own.

I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something.” The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the “tend and befriend” notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men.

Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. “There’s no doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.”

In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight!

And that’s not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate.

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That’s a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls and Women’s Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). “Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women,” explains Dr. Josselson. “We push them right to the back burner. That’s really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very healing experience.”

The Bossa Nova Cure

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:28:29 +0000

“When I’m listening to bossa nova, it seems like everything’s right with the world.” I was talking to my therapist of the time about my (then) chronic depression. I hadn’t been seeing him that long and we were still finding out if it was a fit. “That slinky slide,” I said, “that bittersweet quality, that sexy smooth sunlight-on-the-beach thing. You get the feeling that whatever happens with the world, it’ll be okay.” I looked to see if he was tracking. “It’s practically a spiritual thing.”

The therapist was looking at me intently. His hair was graying and mine wasn’t. At least not obviously. “You’ve just named your cure,” he said. “Listen to more bossa nova.”

You’d be amazed to find out how many of my depressed patients subsist on a diet of Morrissey and The Cure. Or the anxious ones who live on the most aggro Hip Hop and several grande Starbucks a day. A client I once had to intervene on so she wouldn’t kill herself? Her favorite band was the Suicidal Tendencies. (She came back the next week wearing a T-shirt she had made up that said “Choose Life.”) (Not knowing that that usually means something else.)

The other day I caught myself cursing at a #$%& driver on the freeway. When I came to, I noticed I was all adrenal-ized by the The World of Goa Trance I was listening to. Well, no wonder. I switched to Love, Peace, Chant by David Newman. The other drivers on the road sighed a silent ‘thank you.’

I’m not a trained music therapist, but it seems to me there’s a lot to be said for orchestrating the soundtrack of our lives. It’s sort of an alchemy, yes? A little of this, a little of that, until we get just the right mood.

Sometimes psychotherapy is really helpful. Nothing matches it for getting unstuck, extricating ourselves from ancient patterns we can’t see on our own. Sometimes we really need that other person in our court, someone who has already delved into realms we’re only beginning to explore. Other times what we need is a lifestyle overhaul, like some new music. Bossa Nova may not be your thing, but what if it is and you’ve been missing out all this time? Or it might be African music, which is a dependable mood lifter as well. Choose more of what makes you happy. Really happy, not just addictively high. There’s a big difference, you know.

I didn’t stay with that therapist very long, but from that one simple directive I got more than from others I stayed with for years. You should see my bossa nova collection. Getz/Gilberto, anyone?

What’s the Difference Between Sensuality and Sexuality?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:36:00 +0000

Everybody knows what’s sexy, right? We see images all the time of good looking men and women, smoking physiques, and enticing faces. People magazine tells us every year who is The Sexiest Man Alive! and men’s magazines are full of images of alluring women. There is one standard of beauty offered, and a real human being’s sexiness quotient is measured by how closely they measure up to the media’s promotion of who and what are sexy.
In our culture, attraction has become an entirely visual experience. Instead of eroticizing the whole body, we make love only with our eyes. Our relationship to our own bodies has become one of working on them at the gym in order to be visually attractive to potential lovers to the exclusion of anything else.

But the visual is only one of our five senses, and by telling us that the visual is what’s sexy, we learn to have a skewed emphasis on physical image. We come to pay less attention to the other four senses and the art of sensuality is being lost. When we talk about the sensual, we are talking about the seductive qualities of the sounds of our lover’s voice and the sighs of lovemaking, our partner’s particular scent, the taste of their sweat, and the touch of their skin.

Sensual sex is about two people connecting through all five senses. We are meant to make love not only with our eyes, but also with our nose, our ears, our mouth, and our hands. We can learn to enjoy the touch, scent, sound, and taste of sex, instead of only the sight. Many of the exercises practiced in the art of tantra are conducted blindfolded so as to short-circuit the eyes and have the practitioner focus instead on the other senses.

There is a famous story of Napoleon writing home to his wife, Josephine, “I’ll be home in three days. Don’t bathe.” To men of earlier generation, the natural scent of a woman was an intoxicating aphrodisiac that drove them wild with desire.

Sensual means that you appreciate your partner in their entirety, experiencing their desirability just the way they are. Rather than focusing on what, in your opinion, is not like a magazine cover, close your eyes and feel, listen, smell, and touch the incredible and unique sexiness of this particular lover who is gracing you with their intimacy and vulnerability. Every person wants to be loved in their totality, not just as a collection of body parts.

STAYING SANE DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 21:10:39 +0000

The thing that makes the holidays the most difficult is the widespread idea that they shouldn’t be. We’ve been seduced for years by pictures of smiling families passing the turkey and opening their flawlessly wrapped presents. Everyone is easy to get along with and everyone is perfectly happy.

Nothing could be further from the truth for most people. We are far more complicated creatures than that. All families have their areas of dysfunction which are less likely to politely stay out of sight when everybody is together in the same room.

Liz talked about how she suddenly felt herself becoming a teenager again the minute she walked in the door of her parents’ house. “Here I am, a successful person at my job, walking in and going right for the refrigerator and yelling about old unresolved arguments! I hardly recognize myself,” she said. When there are injustices that have not been made right, or memories of abuses and unkindness, these things may erupt without warning. “I find myself saying things I later regret,” Liz continued. “I always have the best intention to have a wonderful holiday but it never works out that way.” Lowering or “right-sizing” our expectations about the holidays is the first thing that can help.

It’s not only family tensions that make the holidays potentially so difficult. Nick talks about how lonely he feels this first season after his divorce: “I guess it’s the contrast between then and now, and how disappointed I am about the reality of my life alone. I never thought it’d be this way.” This increased isolation and loneliness can also be felt by remembering people who’ve died.

Stress around finances increases during the holidays, especially given the current economy. April is finding herself limited at what she can actually do. The best thing is for her to make a spending plan of all holiday expenses before hand and keep to it.

Many of us increase our alcohol intake during the holidays in an attempt to deal with the stress of difficult people and relationships. It’s not necessary to stop drinking if this is one of your pleasures, but it helps to be aware of how emotionally destabilized and uncentered too much can leave you. Know your limits or get help to cut down.

Pace yourself during the season, in all areas. Stop trying to be Superwoman. Plan time to be alone and give yourself a break. Delegate what tasks you can. Most of all, tell the truth about how you feel — if you don’t feel festive, that’s okay. Find at least one person you can talk frankly to who doesn’t have the expectation that you act like a perky cheerleader. If you feel like Scrooge, find somebody safe and tell them about it. Then go back to the party and enjoy the time for what it is – a normal imperfect holiday season.

HOW CAN YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOU’RE ALL STRESSED OUT?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:42:00 +0000

Sure, I know, there’s work, and working out, and eating right, and the economy, and relationship struggles, and, and, and, … and then if you have kids, there’s even more. What a balancing act! Sometimes it’s a wonder we have any energy left for sex at all. To make sure it doesn’t get that way for you, learn to become better at managing your stress. Here are some tips:

1. Turn off your phone. The likelihood that there’s going to be an emergency in the next hour is miniscule. If you can’t hear it ringing, you’ll be less likely to get involved in something that this is not the right time for.

2. Cut down the amount of caffeine in your life. If you’re really brave, do away with it all together.

3. Relaxed breathing is full and deep. Stressed out breathing is short and shallow. Practice slowing your breathing and letting it fall all the way below your belly button, down to your genitals. There, doesn’t that feel good? If smokers get to take smoke breaks, the rest of us are due “breathing breaks.”

4. Use the Rule of Fifteen: Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less irritating, and you’ll get a good start to your day. Allow fifteen minutes of extra time to get to appointments. You’ll feel in control and everyone else will be impressed with your efficiency.

5. Don’t try to rely on your memory. Get a planner and write everything down. This will help you get organized, always a good prevention method for fighting stress.

6. Eliminate destructive self-talk such as “I’m too fat…” or “I’m too old…” Either argue with these nonsensical thoughts or get help from a therapist to eradicate them from your life. No one ever improved from being criticized to death.

7. Allow time everyday for yourself, for privacy, quiet, and introspection. If the only time for this is in the car, take full advantage of it. Even if it’s only five minutes, if it’s full and present and in the moment, your life will be enriched.

8. Stretch periodically during the day. When you’re at your job, especially if you sit for long periods of time, get up and walk once an hour. Stretch out your neck, your shoulders, and feel how good it is to be in your body.

9. Talk it out. Discussing your situation with a trusted friend or with your lover can help clear your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on real problem solving.

10. Learn to live one day at a time. If you live fully in the present moment, you’ll find there’s very little that needs to be changed.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY “SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIPS?”

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:54:00 +0000

“WIFFM” is the primary motivator for many people in their relationships. WIFFM is a marketing term for “What’s In It For Me?” We have been taught to value people for how good they will look on our arm, how close they come to our fantasy of the ideal lover, or how we imagine they will fulfill our desires. It’s about how it all looks, right? Except that when we focus on the outside, nobody is going to be good enough because everyone is flawed. Everybody. This is why we love the tabloids — we get to see seemingly perfect celebrities with their defects hanging out.

One characteristic of a spiritual relationship is that instead of focusing on the other person’s exterior, we focus on the perfection within. Just as we all have not-so-beautiful parts on the outside, we all have a perfect core inside at our center. When we want our relationship to have a spiritual component, we attempt to keep our attention on this perfection within, rather concentrating on what’s outside.

The great Tantra Master Osho once said regarding relationships, “The Other is always right.” I was stunned when I first heard this. Like most people, I had been constantly pointing out when I was right and my partner was wrong, all in the name of “communicating honestly.” In retrospect it was all a thinly disguised power struggle.

I argued with Osho’s statement in my mind, and then decided to see what I could learn from it. As a technique, I recommend it highly. You don’t have to agree with it to experiment. Practice interpreting that the other was right and you were wrong next time you are reviewing a fight or disagreement. The ego spends all its time proving that it is superior. See what happens from the perspective of love.

When you begin this discipline of seeing what is right about the other person rather than what is, according to you, wrong, you may start to experience your partner as your teacher, or guru. Some of the other attributes of spiritual relationships that people have mentioned are placing a high value on listening, integrity, emotional openness, sensitivity, truth, having a raise the bar attitude, and having a passion for learning and growing.

When people’s lives are dedicated to something higher than just getting their own needs met, their relationships will follow suit. This can show up as a dedication to make the world a better place by working for the environment, helping kids, or serving some other higher calling. Your relationship will be dedicated to something more important than merely trying to get your needs met, and this is what we call a spiritual relationship.

ENVISIONING YOUR LOVER AS THE GOD OR GODDESS THEY TRULY ARE

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:32:00 +0000

One tantric exercise you can practice at home is to envision your lover as the god or goddess they truly are. That may seem a bit farfetched in today’s world, as modern lovers are well too aware of what is “wrong” with their partner. Constantly bombarded with images of what the perfect lover looks like, talks like, kisses like, and makes love like, we compare and analyze and find our partners not measuring up. Since it is hard for a mere human being to live up to these two-dimensional fantasy figures, most of us experience our lovers (and ourselves) as lacking in the love department.

But what if we didn’t focus on what we thought was wrong, but on what is right? What if we imagined the real person underneath their skin and their annoying habits? What if we pictured our beloved as their essential nature and allowed our self to honor their lovingness, their vulnerability, and their attempts at becoming a better person?

When we imagine our partner as whole and perfect instead of fragmented and flawed, it becomes impossible to abuse, degrade, or dehumanize the other person. If they are by definition an equal, we cannot cultivate a condescending, contemptuous attitude. On the contrary, we view them with the gaze of a deity which is one of tenderness, clarity, and passion. Seeing our self as whole and perfect, our partner becomes a mirror of that perfection.

Ancient Tantric Buddhists practiced seeing the man as a male Buddha and the woman as a female Buddha, and therefore lovemaking became two Buddhas making love. The lovers practiced seeing each other as pure energy spontaneously expressing itself in embodied being.

Today, you can have fun with these practices. Certain tantric gods and goddesses had red or blue skin that could be fun to imagine. Some tantric texts describe the body of the lover as translucent or luminous like a rainbow. Think how delightful this could be to envision while stroking your lover’s skin!

The tantrikas saw their feelings of passion and desire as having a transcendent aspect, and their mutual attraction as ultimately motivated by a religious impulse toward ecstasy. To move in the direction of an attitude like this can help transform the negative messages most of us were brought up with concerning sex. By envisioning our beloved as divine, it is possible to increase the love in the world and to elevate our ordinary sex acts to acts of worship.

excerpt from Catherine’s novel "blissbody"

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 06:42:00 +0000

Laurel decided to take the back way home. Behind the ashram many Indians lived, first the compounds of rich families guarded by old frail Indian men sitting on folding chairs 24/7. Then came a depression of land gorged with tiny huts where the less fortunate resided. Adjacent to the settlement, she passed an enclosed shrine to Ganesh, the elephant god who brought material wealth. The miniature tin building held a garishly painted statue behind a locked screen. Devotees had spent many a rupee on strings of marigolds and burfi sweets left as offerings on the steps.

As she neared the corner to turn to her flat, an Indian man in his mid twenties stopped her. He wore a stiffly starched Western style shirt, immaculately white, and black trousers. His little mustache quivered. He came up to Laurel’s chin.

“Please, sir,” he said, addressing Laurel. Laurel wanted to scream at him that she was not a ‘sir’ but she bit her tongue. Was the only honorific in Hindi masculine?

“My wife and I,” he continued. His voice was insistent and firm, determined to get what he was after. “We are married new. Please, sir, honor us, bless our marriage.”

Behind him was a shy Indian woman, dressed in punjabi and beaded sandals, her glossy black hair gathered into a thick braid. Her eyes were downcast and she clung to her husband’s arm. Laurel wanted to laugh. Her bless a marriage? Ludicrous. What was with these people?

Then she realized that to them she was a sannyasin, a person on a spiritual quest, which in India denoted a holy person. She laughed to think of herself as holy, yeah, celibate and all. But then again, she argued with herself, she was dedicating her life to spiritual search. In the West, this may have made her an uncool person, but here it was honored as a respected life path. Maybe her spirituality was not that of a celibate monk dedicated to hours of pranayama or late nights studying the dharma. She was equally as determined as he was to see it to the end. Maybe she ought to regard her own life choices with a little more respect.

How did one bless a marriage? “All blessings for your marriage,” Laurel said. “May you live long and happily together.” She waved her arms around like she imagined a priest would. Would that do?

The man smiled at his wife who nodded. The newly married couple walked on into their life together, and Laurel walked on into her life alone.