Catherine Auman, MFT » marriage

THE #1 THING YOU CAN DO TODAY TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:01:38 +0000

Which would you rather hear: a list of your faults, or what someone thinks are the best things about you?
Seems obvious, right? Not necessarily so. When we sit down with our partner to talk about our relationship, what we think is wrong with them is often where we go first. The words, “We have to talk” can strike terror into our hearts because we know we’re going to hear a list of our faults and shortcomings. We know we’ve got lots of them, and we’re our own worst critics. Every day we hear from advertisers, magazines, parents, bosses, and sometimes our lovers all the ways we fall short.
Feeling unappreciated is one of the main reasons people give for why they leave jobs and relationships. That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear what someone else appreciates about us. How nice is it to think of an oasis where someone is noticing what we do right.
The number one thing you can do today to improve your relationships is to tell someone what you appreciate about them. Not just a compliment like “you look nice today” although under the right circumstances that’s always good. The trick is to use the word “appreciate” because that’s what people are starving for, being appreciated. It is actually better if you notice a small thing because it is unexpected, and the person gets to feel like you are noticing and approving of them.
Simple examples might be, “I appreciate that you take out the garbage before you’re asked.” “I appreciate that you took our son to the ball game.” “I appreciate that you take time for yourself which allows me to do the same.”

Mark and Diane were seeing me for marriage counseling because they were fighting and criticizing each other bitterly. I asked Mark to change gears and tell his wife something he appreciated about her. Diane waited nervously while Mark struggled to identify something as this was a new way for him to think. When he finally said, “I appreciate that you dress so well for work,” she broke out into a huge smile that looked like he had given her a dozen roses. She hadn’t known Mark was even paying attention.
Give it a try. Let your significant other off the hook and tell him or her a small thing you appreciate. Call your mother and give her “an appreciation.” Let your employee know that you appreciate that she is always on time. Everyone can use a dose. Give someone the gift of appreciation today and watch your relationships blossom.

What’s the Difference Between Sensuality and Sexuality?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:36:00 +0000

Everybody knows what’s sexy, right? We see images all the time of good looking men and women, smoking physiques, and enticing faces. People magazine tells us every year who is The Sexiest Man Alive! and men’s magazines are full of images of alluring women. There is one standard of beauty offered, and a real human being’s sexiness quotient is measured by how closely they measure up to the media’s promotion of who and what are sexy.
In our culture, attraction has become an entirely visual experience. Instead of eroticizing the whole body, we make love only with our eyes. Our relationship to our own bodies has become one of working on them at the gym in order to be visually attractive to potential lovers to the exclusion of anything else.

But the visual is only one of our five senses, and by telling us that the visual is what’s sexy, we learn to have a skewed emphasis on physical image. We come to pay less attention to the other four senses and the art of sensuality is being lost. When we talk about the sensual, we are talking about the seductive qualities of the sounds of our lover’s voice and the sighs of lovemaking, our partner’s particular scent, the taste of their sweat, and the touch of their skin.

Sensual sex is about two people connecting through all five senses. We are meant to make love not only with our eyes, but also with our nose, our ears, our mouth, and our hands. We can learn to enjoy the touch, scent, sound, and taste of sex, instead of only the sight. Many of the exercises practiced in the art of tantra are conducted blindfolded so as to short-circuit the eyes and have the practitioner focus instead on the other senses.

There is a famous story of Napoleon writing home to his wife, Josephine, “I’ll be home in three days. Don’t bathe.” To men of earlier generation, the natural scent of a woman was an intoxicating aphrodisiac that drove them wild with desire.

Sensual means that you appreciate your partner in their entirety, experiencing their desirability just the way they are. Rather than focusing on what, in your opinion, is not like a magazine cover, close your eyes and feel, listen, smell, and touch the incredible and unique sexiness of this particular lover who is gracing you with their intimacy and vulnerability. Every person wants to be loved in their totality, not just as a collection of body parts.

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY “SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIPS?”

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:54:00 +0000

“WIFFM” is the primary motivator for many people in their relationships. WIFFM is a marketing term for “What’s In It For Me?” We have been taught to value people for how good they will look on our arm, how close they come to our fantasy of the ideal lover, or how we imagine they will fulfill our desires. It’s about how it all looks, right? Except that when we focus on the outside, nobody is going to be good enough because everyone is flawed. Everybody. This is why we love the tabloids — we get to see seemingly perfect celebrities with their defects hanging out.

One characteristic of a spiritual relationship is that instead of focusing on the other person’s exterior, we focus on the perfection within. Just as we all have not-so-beautiful parts on the outside, we all have a perfect core inside at our center. When we want our relationship to have a spiritual component, we attempt to keep our attention on this perfection within, rather concentrating on what’s outside.

The great Tantra Master Osho once said regarding relationships, “The Other is always right.” I was stunned when I first heard this. Like most people, I had been constantly pointing out when I was right and my partner was wrong, all in the name of “communicating honestly.” In retrospect it was all a thinly disguised power struggle.

I argued with Osho’s statement in my mind, and then decided to see what I could learn from it. As a technique, I recommend it highly. You don’t have to agree with it to experiment. Practice interpreting that the other was right and you were wrong next time you are reviewing a fight or disagreement. The ego spends all its time proving that it is superior. See what happens from the perspective of love.

When you begin this discipline of seeing what is right about the other person rather than what is, according to you, wrong, you may start to experience your partner as your teacher, or guru. Some of the other attributes of spiritual relationships that people have mentioned are placing a high value on listening, integrity, emotional openness, sensitivity, truth, having a raise the bar attitude, and having a passion for learning and growing.

When people’s lives are dedicated to something higher than just getting their own needs met, their relationships will follow suit. This can show up as a dedication to make the world a better place by working for the environment, helping kids, or serving some other higher calling. Your relationship will be dedicated to something more important than merely trying to get your needs met, and this is what we call a spiritual relationship.

ENVISIONING YOUR LOVER AS THE GOD OR GODDESS THEY TRULY ARE

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:32:00 +0000

One tantric exercise you can practice at home is to envision your lover as the god or goddess they truly are. That may seem a bit farfetched in today’s world, as modern lovers are well too aware of what is “wrong” with their partner. Constantly bombarded with images of what the perfect lover looks like, talks like, kisses like, and makes love like, we compare and analyze and find our partners not measuring up. Since it is hard for a mere human being to live up to these two-dimensional fantasy figures, most of us experience our lovers (and ourselves) as lacking in the love department.

But what if we didn’t focus on what we thought was wrong, but on what is right? What if we imagined the real person underneath their skin and their annoying habits? What if we pictured our beloved as their essential nature and allowed our self to honor their lovingness, their vulnerability, and their attempts at becoming a better person?

When we imagine our partner as whole and perfect instead of fragmented and flawed, it becomes impossible to abuse, degrade, or dehumanize the other person. If they are by definition an equal, we cannot cultivate a condescending, contemptuous attitude. On the contrary, we view them with the gaze of a deity which is one of tenderness, clarity, and passion. Seeing our self as whole and perfect, our partner becomes a mirror of that perfection.

Ancient Tantric Buddhists practiced seeing the man as a male Buddha and the woman as a female Buddha, and therefore lovemaking became two Buddhas making love. The lovers practiced seeing each other as pure energy spontaneously expressing itself in embodied being.

Today, you can have fun with these practices. Certain tantric gods and goddesses had red or blue skin that could be fun to imagine. Some tantric texts describe the body of the lover as translucent or luminous like a rainbow. Think how delightful this could be to envision while stroking your lover’s skin!

The tantrikas saw their feelings of passion and desire as having a transcendent aspect, and their mutual attraction as ultimately motivated by a religious impulse toward ecstasy. To move in the direction of an attitude like this can help transform the negative messages most of us were brought up with concerning sex. By envisioning our beloved as divine, it is possible to increase the love in the world and to elevate our ordinary sex acts to acts of worship.

SIX WAYS TO HELP A WOMAN GET IN THE MOOD

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:24:00 +0000

First of all, do not ask her if she wants to have sex. This question will go straight to her head, which is not where you want to be.

Second, long before you want to have sex, let her know how much you like her body. Start complimenting the day before, the week before, better yet, make it a constant thing. In this culture where advertising and magazines are constantly telling us we are not measuring up, all women are insecure about their attractiveness. You would not believe the gorgeous fashion models I have had in my office who are obsessed that they are not beautiful enough. Make your compliments real and frequent. Work at it.

Third, realize that foreplay starts hours before sex. Spend some quality time giving her your full attention. Talking, cuddling, being physically close without (yet) being sexual, these things help a woman realize she might be in the mood. Mostly, it is about listening to her feelings and thoughts. One of the most aphrodisiac things for a woman to hear is, “Tell me more about that.”

Fourth, focus on what is right with her and the relationship rather than what in your opinion is missing. If she thinks you prefer women who look or act like porn stars she will have trouble opening herself to you. If you are critical of her body, her feelings, or her habits, why should she trust you by becoming more vulnerable? You’ve heard that old saying that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right? Tell her what you like even if you need to stretch.

Fifth, you probably won’t get much action if you don’t do your fair share of the household duties. Not helping causes resentment (not a sexy emotion) and women consistently rate this as a primary reason for dissatisfaction in a relationship. If you’re not up to it, neither is she. Spring for a housekeeper and watch her receptiveness increase.

Finally, don’t wait to initiate sex until right before bed. She’ll turn you down because she’s too tired. Go to bed at least a half an hour early. If you’re not ready to fall asleep afterward, you can always get up to watch the tube or go online.

Good luck. Enjoy learning to seduce your partner. Won’t you feel masterful when she melts like butter in your hands? Not only your relationship but the whole world will benefit from your increased pleasure and contentment.

WHAT’S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE?

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:52:00 +0000

What makes one person feel loved is not always the same thing that makes another person feel loved. According to Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages (Northfield Publishing, Chicago: 1995) there are five basic ways a person can communicate loving feelings to someone else, and that way is often not the same as someone we love. We are essentially speaking different languages. No matter how much we may tell someone we love them, if it is not in their “love language,” they won’t feel it.

The Five Love Languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Every one likes to hear what they are doing right. Kind words, encouragement, compliments—these are perceived as signs of love especially by those with this as their primary love language. Often we focus on “constructive criticism” or pointing out what we think the other person should change which is far less effective than praise.

Quality Time
Quality time doesn’t just mean spending enough time together although that is a good start. It means time when we give our partner our undivided attention. It requires listening, not interrupting, and learning to talk about feelings.

Receiving Gifts
Gifts are a time-honored sign of love. If this is your partner’s main love language, find ways to give tokens of affection frequently. Certainly tangible gifts are nice, but don’t forget the gift of attention.

Acts of Service
This love language is often taken for granted. Help around the house, giving a backrub, cleaning up, taking the car to be washed—there are so many ways to express affection by doing service for someone else.

Physical Touch
This love language gets mixed up with sex all the time. Instead, it means expressing love by affectionately touching the body, stroking, patting, and holding hands. It means holding someone while they cry.

The idea with learning these “love languages” is that it will help tremendously if we identify which is our primary language and which is the language of our partner, then try to let our partner know they are loved in the way they are most likely to receive it. It may feel awkward at first but if we are persistent, we will see remarkable change. The more our partner feels loved, they will return the good feelings and everybody wins.

Although Dr. Chapman does not cover this in his book, we can also win by learning to express our love in all five “languages.” As we expand in our capacity for love and the ability to be loving to the world around us, we can express ourselves in all five ways and not live in a world where it has to be only our way.

The Seven Principles for Making Relationships Work

Los Angeles Psychotherapist — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:10:00 +0000

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Crown, 1999) is a book that I often recommend for people who are wishing to improve their relationships, married or otherwise. The author, Dr. John Gottman, actually hooked couples up to electrodes and watched what happened to their blood pressures and heart rates while they talked to each other. He found that he could predict with 91% accuracy whether their relationship was slated for the long term or headed for break-up.

Dr. Gottman found that even happily married people have screaming matches; the difference is in the way they argue. What is death to a relationship is treating your partner with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or refusal to communicate.

Dr. Gottman’s seven principles are:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Find out what works with your partner and do more of it.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Focus on what you like about your partner rather than their faults.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
One of the most destructive things you can do when things are going through a rough patch is to isolate and go off by yourself, leaving your partner alone to imagine the worst. Dr. Gottman found that couples with good relationships stick with their partner and turn
toward each other seeking solutions to their problems.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Dr. Gottman identified this as especially challenging for men: letting their partners influence them to share more vulnerability, to talk more about their feelings, and to not need to be in control all the time.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
Dr. Gottman says that 69% of the problems in any relationship will never be solved, so it is good to focus on the 31% that can be. Pick your battles. As they say in the AA prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

6. Overcome Gridlock
Get whatever help you need to keep problems from backing up.

7. Create Shared Meaning
Examples of this would be to create new rituals around holidays and vacations.

Happily married people live an average of four years longer than those not so blessed, and have been shown in test after test to have healthier immune systems, less chance of getting sick, and higher scores on happiness measures. To learn more about what you can do to improve your relationship, I would recommend this book to anyone. It is easy to read and has practical advice you can put into practice immediately.